"Off the Rails" - a story from the Network

Can you identify a station from just a paving slab? Sadly, some people can
GuyBarry
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Re: A Story from the Network

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[Thanks, RobbieM!]

Meanwhile, at the HG Transport depot, Dudley had returned from the Millwall game.

"So did you get Ken to change his mind, then?" asked Tony.
"Not a WHIT, TONy. Basically, unless we go straight back to the Enhams, pick the vacuum cleaner up and return it to Mr West, we're out of a job."
"Oh, not that street with that nutcase and that God-awful puB. ICK! LEYburn Avenue's the last place I want to go."
"I know, but what else can we do? I suppose the Enhams haven't got HORNS."
EYeing Dudley quizzically, Tony was sceptical. "No, just little pointy tails."
"Ha-HA. YES, I can't face it either."
"Dud, I've just remembered - BoB OWES PARKy a few quid. What if we pay Parky off and get Bob to do the job instead?"
"But what if Ken finds out?"
"KEN? THOU SEemest a little too worried, methinks. He's gone to a conference in WORCESTER. PARKy told me."
"Great detective work! Has Parky been watching the Maltese FALCON?"
WOODenly, Tony replied, "I don't think he likes Humphrey Bogart. Look - here's Bob now. BoB! RENT FOR December might get paid if you do us a favour."
"What's that then, Tone?" said Bob.
"Oh it's nothing really. Just taking a vacuum cleaner from 23 Leyburn Avenue to 7 Leyburn Avenue."
"That's not very FAR."
"RING. DON't be put off by whoever answers the phone - just tell them when you're going to collect it. Come back here and you'll get a WAD."
"DONe!"
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RobbieM
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Re: A Story from the Network

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"Indeed Bob, you'll be RICH. MONDay I have some more work for you, if you're interested! I need a consignment of Sorbitol delivered to southwest London."
"How much is SorbiTOL WORTH these days? Is it inexpensive, or can it only be afforded by KINGS, TONe?"
"Well, if you have KINGS CROSSing your palms with silver, that's great. But it's not really worth too much."
"So anyone, BAR KINGs or Queens, will be paying me very little for the job?"
"Yes, but we have to take whatever they givE US."
"TONe - I'm not sure about this...

Just tHEN, DON walked in the room...
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Re: A Story from the Network

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[Halfway through now!]

...carrying a bale of HAY. DON'S ROAD navigation skills had, rather improbably, landed him a job with HG Transport, and his first delivery was to a racing stable.

Bob seized on him. "You're new here, aren't you? What's your name?"
"RICK MANSWORTH," said Don, who as usual had joined under an assumed name.
"Are you interested in doing an extra job on Monday, Rick?"
"Maybe. What is it?"
"I'll give you the details later. I've got to make an urgent phone call."

Bob phoned the Enhams' number and was surprised to hear a young woman's voice.

"Hello?"
"Can I speak to Mr Enham please? I'm from HG Transport, and my name's Bob aHERNE."

HILLary's mind was elsewhere, needless to say.

"'Ere, you sound like that Ken Sington. How's it going at TottenhaM 'OTSPUR? PARKing job going all right?"
"No, I'm a delivery driver, and I'm coming to pick up a vacuum cleaner."
"Do you know if 'e used to call 'imself Nington, OR PINGTON? I can never remember."
"I don't know. Can I speak to Mr Enham please?"
"My dad or my brother? My dad's out."
"Your brother then."
"He's out TOO."

TINGling with frustration, Bob tried again.

"Is there anyone else with you in the house?"
"There's me mum, I think. 'Ang on, I've just got a text from me uncle MITCH. 'AM JUNCTION spotting with your mum', it says. She'll be out all day then."

Bob sighed. She was clearly a loose CANNON. STREETwise she certainly wasn't.

"Has a vacuum cleaner recently been delivered to the house?"
"Yeah, there's one 'ere," said Hillary, looking at the Orwood that Mr West had left.
"Is there a box with it?"
"Dunno. Oh, there's one over there that says 'Dyson'."
"Good. Can you put it in the box please and leave it for me? I'll come round and collect it in about an hour."
"Ooh, I dunno about that. I just 'ad a nosebleed when I went for a sWIM. BLED ON and on in the water, it did."
"Just put the cleaner in the box and I'll pick it up. That's all you have to do."
"All right. I'll check that name on me iPAD. DINGTON, was it?"
"Got to rush. Bye."

Why, said Bob to himself, does she have to talk in RIDDLES? DOWN to Leyburn Avenue and let's get it over with...
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RobbieM
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Re: A Story from the Network

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Jumping in the van, off Bob headed in the direction of Leyburn Avenue. However, approaching a junction a GREEN FORD Escort pulled out in front of him, and they collided. It was quite a 'KNOCK'. (HOLT was the Escort-driver's name - well known in the area for his careless driving.)
"Oi!" said Bob. "Don't you know what the 'Give Way' sign means? CARS HALT ON the dotted white lines until it's safe to pull out! Look what you've done to my van, you BIRK!"
BECKoning Bob towards him, Mr Holt said, "What did you just call me?"
GuyBarry
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Re: A Story from the Network

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Bob was about to use some choice language, but suddenly noticed a NUN HEADing towards them.

"Er... nothing. You gave me a shOCK - END-ON collisions are a bit serious. Would you mind giving me your name?"
"NO - R.T. HOLT. PARK over there and we can discuss it."
"I'm sorry but I'm really pressed for time. Give me your phone number and we'll sort it out later."

It was the last thing Bob wanted, but he had to get to Leyburn Avenue fast. He was really meant to be at a job in Epping FOREST.

HILLary answered the door, talking to her elder brother on the phone. "Look Dag, I don't care. Ken Sington is miles better than Pete WOOLWICH. DOCKYARD work getting you down, is it? Anyway I've got to talk to this delivery bloke. Bye."
"Hello," said Bob. "Is this number 23? I've come for the vacuum cleaner."
"Are you BoB ARNEHURST?"
"Aherne."
"That's near enough. It's over there, between the toy ELEPHANT AND 'CASTLE's Poker Buddies'."
"Thanks. Can't stop."

He made his way the short distance down the street to number 7.

"Hello, I'm from HG Transport. Are you Mr WEST?"
"NO, R. WOOD. Mr West's on holiday at the moment and I'm minding the house for him."
"Can you take delivery of this vacuum cleaner please? It went to the wrong address."
"How did that happen?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe they HAD 'LEYWOOD' instead of 'Leyburn'."
"OK. Do you need a signature?"
"I'm not fusSY."

ON LANEs leading back to the depot, Bob breathed a sigh of relief. At least nothing had gone wrong, or so he thought...
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Re: A Story from the Network

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Back at Richard's house, the conversation had turned to politics, and Richard was holding forth.

"Do you remember the HEATH ROW? CENTRAL to 1970s politics in my opinion."
"No, I'm a bit too young," said Worth. "What was outcome of the HEATH ROW?"
"TERMINAL. FOUR years into his term of office, Edward Heath called an election, and lost his majority, but tried to stay on as Prime Minister. It didn't last long - Harold Wilson took over a few days later."
"I don't know much about Edward Heath. Who was he?"
"MP for Old BEXLEY. HEATH only served one term as PM and presided over two miners' strikes and rampant inflation. At the time the prospects looked BLACK."
"HEATH must have done some good, surely?"
"I don't think he had any magic WANDS, WORTH. COMMON Market membership was his main achievement - he took us into what's now the European Union."

Alex appeared from the kitchen. "May I present tonight'S TREAT - HAM! COMMON Market discussion will have to wait for another time."
"Excellent!" said Richard. "I really don't know what I'd do without you. Before you arrived the whole place was covered with sLIME."
"HOUSEwork never was your strong point, was it?"
"Not really. Sometimes I just wanted to burN OR BURY the whole lot of it."
"Well, tuck in now. What do you fancy eating tomorrow? I'd really like to have some fish - ling maybe. I can get some from a nice little fishmonger's in HIGHBURY."
"AND IS LING TONs better than ham? I've never tried it."
Worth raised his eyebrows. "Sounds like a sUPPER WAR. LING, HAM - which is it to be?"

EDIT: A few minutes after posting this, I heard that the late Sir Edward Heath has been involved in an allegation of child sex abuse. There is no connection.
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Re: A Story from the Network

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"I think we should try roast iBEX. LEYs provide ideal pasture for this Alpine animal, and the meat tastes great!"
"Now you're really thinking biG!"
"RAYS of sunshine on the leys so Alpine!" Richard was suddenly into a poetic trance. "Field of pEARLS, FIELD of girlS... AND..."
"ER, STEADy, ol' chap!" said Alex, trying to snap Richard back to reality. But it was too late.
"Oh, aSHEN FIELD, Oh, field of WOOD! MAN'S TERN-Excitement is so good..."
"Tern-excitement? What's that?"
"Oh, sorry", said Richard, finally back down to earth. "It's a slang term for that adrenalin rush that birdwatchers get..."
"Anyway, back to dinner - what did we decide?"
"I know what I'd like to PECK - HAM! RYE bread goes so well with it too!"
So they finally started cooking dinner. When all of a sudden...
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Re: A Story from the Network

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...they realized there was no point, since Alex had just served it up. [?????] :?

"I fancy going for a drink after dinner," said Worth. "Where you do recommend?"
"There's a great NEW BAR - 'NETtles' in the High Street," said Alex.
"I'd rather go somewhere in the country."
"Then let's go to 'Ye Olde WHYTE LEAFE' - SOUTHwest of here, about twenty miles," said Richard. "It's got everything for both kids and adults - bouncy CASTLE, BAR, PARKland views all around. Beautiful VICTORIAn interior. You'll love it."

They finished their dinner and set out in the car. On the way, they passed a sign saying 'Potatoes 10p A LB.'
"ANY PARKing spaces near here, Richard?" asked Alex. "That's really cheap."
Richard drove towards a small GROVE, PARKed the car and got out with the others. They walked past an old ruined ABBEY, WOODland all around them. Worth was quite taken with the moment.
"Alex, I don't think I know your surname. Do you prefer the town or the country?"
"It's COULSDON. TOWN life has become rather dull recently."

Richard did a double-take. He was sure he'd heard this conversation before. He spoke up.

"Come on, Alex COULSDON. SOUTH London has a lot to offer, don't you think?"
"Maybe. I'd still rather live somewhere more remote, like NORTHUMBERLAND. PARKin is eaten all over the north of England, but do you ever see it down here?"
"Don't think so. Let's get the potatoes."

They drove on to Ye Olde WHYTE LEAFE, but Richard was strangely silent. Was he about to lose another housekeeper?
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Re: A Story from the Network

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His general mood began to stifFEN. CHURCH STREET was just around the corner; that was where the pub was. His thinking was all asKEW. "BRIDGE!" he said, spotting the railway passing overhead. He felt the need to say something, but just wasn't in the mood for conversation.

"Isn't the scenery lovely in South London?" he continued. "This looks a bit KENTISH. TOWNs aren't too far from lovely countryside, you know! Which do you prefer? London's greenery, or LIVERPOOL'S? TREETops are just as beautiful down here, you know!"
But Alex kept quiet. Had she had already made her mind up?

They reached the Whyte Leafe, but Richard was shaking so much, his arm wasn't aDEPT FOR Drinking. The weight of the situation began to overwhELM. "ER, SEND me a postcard from up north, won't you? Think of all these beautiful places like EPSOM, DOWN South."

Was Alex just teasing? Maybe, but sometimeS, THE LIE Rocks one's emotions in a big way...
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Re: A Story from the Network

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Bob rushed back into the depot.

"Sorry I'm a bit late, Tone," he said. "I forgot we had to come in through the NEW SOUTH GATE now. Mission accomplished."
"Brilliant! Did you phone the Enhams first?"
"Yes, I gave that bitCH A RING. CROSS as hell with her, I was."
"You spoke to a woman, Bob? Who was it?"
"No idea, Tone. She kept rabbiting on about how she'd gone for a sWIM, BLED ON, CHASEd about trying to find out some singer's name and God knows what. Did my head in."
"But you picked up the cleaner OK? Did you take it along to Mr WEST?" ("RUISLIP Gardens with this one!" shouted a voice in the background.)
"No, he wasn't in. I left it with some other bloke who was minding the house for him."

Tony started to get worried. Had Bob earned his money?

"What was his name, BoB? RENT..."
"WOOD, I think."

That was all right. But who was this mysterious woman Bob had spoken to? There was only one way to find out.

"Excuse me for a minute. I've got to make a phone call." He phoned the Enhams' number.

"Hello?"
"I'm phoning from HG Transport. My name's Tony TULSE."
HILLary sighed. "Oh, not another delivery bloke. Do you want this other vacuum cleaner?"
"What other vacuum cleaner?"
"This one 'ere marked 'Dyson'."
"But..."

Tony broke off the call. He suddenly realized what had happened.

"Dud, we've got to get down to Leyburn Avenue fast. No time to explain."
"What about my money?" asked BoB.
"ROCK LEYburn Avenue to its foundations again, Tone?" said Dudley, sarcastically.
"If you like, Dud. Sorry Bob - deal's off. Gotta dash!"
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Re: A Story from the Network

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So off they headed, leaving Bob on his own. Dudley drove, with Tony sat beside him.
“We’ve not eaten for a while” said Tony. “Fancy a mint IMPERIAL?”
“WHARF Road – that’s the one before Leyburn Avenue isn’t it? Er, yes, thanks; I’ll have the mint imperial. Just place it in my PALM.”

“ER, S.GREEN – who’s that? Sorry, I’m just looking down our list of recent clients.”
“He was the Parson to whom we delivered a NEW CROSS, GATE-post, and a large grave STONE.”
“LEIGH HatherSLADE?”
“GREEN-fingered gentleman, does some work for the Parson, if my memory serves me beST.”
“MARY CRAYford?”
“Ah, yes, we delivered to her a rare specimen of moth – a tusSUR. BIT ON the side for Mr. Hatherslade, I seem to remember she was…”
“Oh, and what was the name of that candle-maker we delivered to? Always insisted on using the neWEST WICK – HAMworth, was that his name? Can’t find him listed here…”
“No – Hamworth was the bloke to whom we delivered a chiSEL. HURST was the candle man. Keen football supporter, I seem to remember. Supported Tottenham HotsPUR.”
“FLEETing visit we made to him, with … oops – sorry, pull UP. MINSTER Road was back there; we should’ve turned into Leyburn Avenue before it…”
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Re: A Story from the Network

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At that moment, Mr West was walking up to his house. He was spotted by his next-door neighbour, Mr ELMSTEAD.

"WOOD'S just left," said Mr Elmstead. "Did you have a good holiday, Mr WEST?"
"CROYDON's hardly what I'd call a holiday, but yes thanks. I was recuperating there with my sister - I had a nasty shock recently."
"At lEAST CROYDON's not too far away - only a few miles SOUTH."
"CROYDON's not that bad, actually," said Mr West as he opened the door. "Oh look - my vacuum cleaner's finally arrived. What a relief!"

Just down the road, Tony and Dudley had nearly arrived at the Enhams' house.
"Thank God this is the last job today, Dud."
"It isn't, you know. After this we've got to deliver that WINCH."
"MORE?"

HILLary saw them coming and opened the door, in floods of tears.

"Are you that Tony Whatsit? That bastard Lewis has just phoned me. He's not taking me to Denmark - he's taking some girl called Rachel. RaCHEL'S FIELDing a lot of flak at the moment."
"Er, yes, I am. Have you got the vacuum cleaner?"
"It's over there."
"Is there a box?"
"The other driver took it."
"We'll just have to take it without the box, Dud. Give me a hand."

They took it and sprinted down to number 7.

"At least Mr West never kNEW. ELTHAM's where we're going with the winch, is it?"

They pressed the buzzer. Mr West appeared.

"Hello, we're from HG Transport."
"I know you are. Why have you sent me this again?"
"We've got the Dyson here, Mr West."
"You can keep the bloody Dyson. I'm going to sue your company for every penny it's got."
"But..."

Suddenly Mr West collapsed on the floor.
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RobbieM
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Re: A Story from the Network

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  • [I’ll leave that cliff hanger for someone else to pick up on…]
Back at the Whyte Leaf, Richard had gained his composure, Alex had popped to the bar to order another round, and Worth picked up a newspaper that was lying by. The sports section particularly interested him.
“I see Celtic gave Rangers a pasting at the iBROX. BOURNEmouth, on the other hand were beaten by Norwich.”
“That’s a shame”, said Richard. I remember when they went up into the Premiership after that marvellous win over the Cottagers.”
“Who are the Cottagers?” asked Alex, returning from the bar.
“Fulham – so named because they play at Craven Cottage”.
“Ah, I see. Perhaps instead, they should have been called the cRAVENS…”

“BOURNEmouth,” continued Richard, not quite sure what to make of Alex’s strange comment, “are going from strength to strength. I’m going to see them play soon at WEMBLEY. CENTRAL to their further success will be winning that match.”
“But”, said Worth, “it’s harder for them when they’re not playing at their home ground.”
“Yes,” said Richard, “but Dean Court’s pitch is less smooth than WEMBLEY’S. TA, DI!”
“UM, my name’s Diane, actually!” said the lady who delivered the drinks.
“Oh, sorry Diane” said Richard. “Thank you anyway.”

Finishing with the sports section, Worth looked at the half-finished crossword. “Okay, four down: Village just west of Brands Hatch circuit. E-blank-blank-F-blank-blank-D”. Any ideas?
“Ah yes,” said Richard. “In the third space, PUT ‘N’. EYnsford is the answer.”
“Thank you. Six across: French for ‘horses’?”
“That’s cheVAUX.”
“HALLelujah!” said Worth, “We may be able to finish this thing!”

When all of a sudden…
GuyBarry
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Re: A Story from the Network

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...in walked FrED MONTON-GREEN. Of course, no one recognized him.

Meanwhile, back at the Enhams' house, Beck had returned.

"Hi Mum!" said Hillary. "Where've you been?"
"In CLAPHAM, JUNCTION spotting," said Beck. "It was brilliant. I rate CLAPHAM HIGH - STREET layouts there are really fascinating. Your uncle Mitch left after a while though and headed off to Essex."
"Oh yeah - I got another text from uncle MITCH. 'AM EAST, FIELD Spotting.' I wondered what he meant. Where are you going next time? Somewhere up NORTH?"
"DULWICH."
"Is that out WEST?"
"DULWICH, Hillary."
"So you're going out EAST?"
"DULWICH! Honestly, your geography's atrocious. Look it up on a map. God knows how you'll ever get to Denmark."
"I'm not going. I got dumped. I think I'll go out with bEN FIELD. CHASEd him away before, but he's not that bad really."
"I'd like to see bEN FIELD LOCKed up personally, but it's your choice. What's happened to those two vacuum cleaners?"
"Oh, some bloke called Bob came and took one and then some other bloke called Tony took the other one. Glad to see the back of them. What's for dinner?"
"I thought we'd try something different. Your Dad's always moaning about us eating rodents."
"So what's tonight'S TREAT?"
"HAM."
HILLary was disgusted. "Ugh, Mum, how can you make us eat that? It comes from a pig!"
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Re: A Story from the Network

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"Oh," said Beck, "and I forgot to say. We've got The Mother Superior from All Saints joining us tonight - Sister MARY LE BONE. She doesn't like rodents, that's another reason we're going for ham. It's already in the microwave. And she's bringing a couple of Friars from the adjoining monastery."
"Oh, just give me a cup of tea for now," said Hillary. "Earl Grey - flavoured with the best bergaMOT."
"TING!"
"HAM's ready! Judging by that noise from the microwave, anyway. Let's have a look. Oh no! It's burnt BLACK!"
"FRIARS from the adjoining monastery?" said Hillary, seemingly unconcerned that dinner had been burnt to a cinder. "What are their names?"
"Er, CHALFONT AND LATIMER. They used to be police constables, I think. Now, what am I going to do about this ham? It's really been cHARRING."
"A Yucky mess indeed. Let me cook instead. Now, where can I get hold of a red squirrel...?"
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