"Off the Rails" - a story from the Network

[GuyBarry]

Richard BROMLEY, SOUTH London's most dedicated Boy Scout leader, was unhappy. He hadn't been able to find a replacement for Ava, his former housemaid, who had unexpectedly emigrated to America and got married. Now it was just housework round the CLOCK - HOUSEwork and more housework. And he couldn't cook anything other than CHIPS. TEA, Dinner and lunch invariably consisted of chips, and he was getting fatter and fatter.

He switched on the radio. "This is the London traffic news with Charles ColquHOUN. SLOW traffic on the A3 heading into..."

He quickly switched off again. It reminded him of the day when Ava had fallen in love with Walt, his house guest, on a long walk in the country. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. He answered it to an attractive young LADY.

"WELL I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I haven't seen my CAT FOR Days. Do you think he might have come here?"
"I haven't seen a cat, sorry," said Richard. "Can I ask your name please?"
"It's ALEXANDRA, PAL." A CErtain smile played around her lips. "But you can call me Alex."
"Come in if you like. You sound as though you're from up NORTH."
SHE ENtered. "Yes, I am - CHORLEY."
"WOODy Allen fan by any chance?"
"Pardon?"
"Oh, it's just a strange coincidence. We had a visitor here once who came from Chorley. He did the most uncanny impression of Woody Allen you've ever come across."
"John Collier?"
"The very same."
"He used to know mE WELL. WE STayed together in Chorley when we were younger. Is he well-known round here?"
"He's more tHAN WELL-known. He's a star now - he's been in a film."
"You're kidding!"
"Absolutely true," Richard assured hER.
"I THink that's amazing. Are you looking for a housekeeper by any chance?"
"As it happens, I am. How on earth did you know?"
"It's not really hard to tell," said Alex, looking around the room. "Anyway I've got experience in that area. Fancy giving me a trial?"

[The Orange One]

Richard chose to take Alex on, of course. It had been a stroke of incredibly good luck she'd turned up then, he thought as he headed down to the shop. He hummed as he walked down the dairy aISLE.
"WORTH every penny I'm paying her," he said. Suddenly, he bumped into his neighbour, TED DINGTON.

[GuyBarry]

"Morning, Mr BROMLEY. NORTHern girl keeping house for you now?" said Ted. (News travels fast round here, thought Richard.)
"That's right, Ted. She's an absolute ANGEL. ROADs weren't too busy this morning, so I nipped in here while she's getting something for lunch. Don't know what yet."

He went back to the house and immediately smELT HAM.
"Today'S TREAT: HAM," said Alex. "Is that OK for you?"
Richard was overcome by gREED. "HAM's perfect! How did you know it was my favourite food?"
"I just FELT HAM would be appropriate. Whenever I have to CATER, HAM's always popular."
"There seem to be a lot of people I know who love it. It can't be a complete coincidence, can it? Like John Collier, for instance."
"At firST, JOHN Simply refused to eat anything else."
"I think he's broadened his tastes a bit since he got into films."
"How did that hapPEN? GEE - A STar among my old friends, and I was never tOLD."
"STREETs ahead he is now. I gather he signed up with some American impresario, but I lost touch with him after that. I did see him on some dreadful cable TV chat show - 'BoB RIX TONight'."
"Never heard of it. Most television just frazzles my bRAIN. HAM's coming right up."

[Iain]

Richard decided that he wanted some honey glazed ham, so he went out to his car to unload his latest delivery of honey. He'd ordered 72 jars, which came in a bee chest for convenience. Unfortunately he dropped it into the road. Passing drivers hit the brakes, but didn't manage to stop before hitting the crate. A passing journalist wrote a headline in his notebook "Several CARS HALT ON BEE CHESt", he wrote.

[GuyBarry]

"Tony! Stop the van at once! Looks like honey in the road."

Tony and Dudley's delivery van screeched to a halt.

"Honey? I just had a jar from my auntie EleaNOR. BIT ON my toast in the mornings is all right, but that muCH IS WICKed. How did it get there?"
"Dunno, Tone. More important, how are we going to get back to the depot for this urgent meeting with Ken Ewing? He sounded really angry."
"Can't think why, Dud. Were WE STEALING from the company?"
"Of course not, Tone. We were just a bit late with that vacuum cleANER - LEYburn Avenue."
"I told KEN LEYburn Avenue would be hard to find, Dud. It's out of our normal travellinG RANGE."
"PARK the van here then and let's get the train over. We daren't be late for this one."

[GuyBarry]

[I know I'm not really supposed to do this, but it's been brewing in my mind for some time...]

Having made their way back by train, Tony and Dudley rushed into the depot and went straight to the office of Ken Ewing, Head of Operations.

"You wanted to see us, Ken?" said Dudley.
"Yes. We've had a complaint from a customer - a Mr George West of 7 Leyburn Avenue, South Kensington. Apparently you were supposed to deliver a Dyson vacuum cleaner to him. You arrived at the address over an hour late, apparently under the influence of alcohol. When you arrived it seems that you delivered not the model that Mr West had ordered, but an inferior model worth about forty pounds."
"That much?"
"You then told Mr West that you had delivered his cleaner to a neighbour of his along the street - a Mr SYD ENHAM - and you told him to go along to Mr Enham's address and swap the cleaners over. Mr West was somewhat reluctant to do so, because Mr Enham has a rather unfortunate reputation locally. But eventually he summoned up the courage."
"He did?"
"Yes. And when he arrived, he witnessed Mr Enham engaged in an act with his vacuum cleaner that he was unwilling to describe, shouting to Mr WEST, ' 'B' ROMP TONight!' "
"Oh my God..."
"Mr West is now in a highly nervous condition and has threatened to sue this company for several thousand pounds, not including the cost of the vacuum cleaner."
"Umm... we can eaCH AFFORD HUNDREDs, Ken, but not thousands."
"I'm not asking you for the money. Do you have any idea what you've done to this company's reputation? We can't sink any LOWER."
"SYD ENHAM could, I bet," interjected Tony.
"Don't be flippant. Had you been drinking?"
"Well, it was a hot day and we were knackered..."
"Stop stoneWALLING, TONy. Had you been drinking?"

At that moment, an envelope arrived on Ken's desk. He opened it and pulled out a short note:

"Fantastic vacuum cleaner! TA. T.T. ENHAM (CORNER of Leyburn Avenue.)"

Ken was puzzled. "So let's get this straight. You actually delivered the cleaner TO T.T. ENHAM?"
"HA! LEt's see if I can remember," said Dudley. "That was the name on the buzzer."
"So there are two Mr Enhams? I'm getting mightily confused here. Did you and Tony bring the van here today under the influence of alcohol?"
"We haven't got it, Ken."
"What do you mean, you haven't got it? Where is it?"
"It's stuck in some honey."

Ken buried his face in his hands.

[Iain]

"Look Ken", said Dudley, "Perhaps you'd like to come and watch a Millwall home game with me?"
"I'd love to", said Ken, "and we could go to the pie stand at the north end of the ground at half time"
"That's pretty unusual", said Dudley, "A norMAL DEN MAN ORdinarily goes to the south end pie stand - they have honey glazed ham pies you know"
Ken decided to take notes. He pulled out his notepad and an exquisite writing implement.
"That's quite a PEN, GEE - ASTounding", commented Dudley, "Taking notes too,that's a blindinG IDEA, PARK yourself at that cafe table if you like"
They sat down, and the cafe owner, Harold Wood introduced himself. "Please excuse me, I can't see too well", he said, pointing at his hat, "BRIM'S DOWN"
"No probs", they responded.
"I was wondering if you fancied some work here?", said Harold, "the CREW SHILLing is pretty good"

[The Orange One]

[I'll cut back to the original storyline. Oh, and I'm future-proofing this section for some possible new additions to the London Tube and Rail Services map, according to some reports from Kent County Council. It's your job to find all seven of them.]

Harold was, as you might remember, the ex-factory worker fired fROM FORD who became a groundsman, but that was in a different time.

Richard was standing, mouth agape, looking at the carnage. Pieces of broken glass had scratched several of the cars, causing marKINGS. WOOD, lids of jars and honey was splattered everywhere. A policeman came over, notebook in hand. He looked WAN.

"DS WORTH ROADen here," he said. "Is this your honey?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," Richard replied. "I wanted to glaze some ham, so I put this chest of honey in my boot for dinner."
"Why so many jars? I only use a TAD."
"WORTH it to buy in bulk. Anyway, I have a lot of ham. When my spirits are at their loWEST, HAM always cheers me up."
"I'm sure your spirits are never that low with your new housemaid around! Is it true she used to be an acrobat and ballet dancer?"
"It is indeed. Now I must go and salvage what I can from it."
"Where's your car from, by the way? I need to make a note about the honey."
"It was made in Nova Scotia, of all places!"

Worth took out his notebook, and wrote 'Spillage of honey, NS Ford involved. Other vehicles involved include a single decker bus (Dennis DART), FORD Transit van belonging to HARRINGAY Greenlanes Transport, and two 3-door hatCHES. HUNTed down culprit, took name and address, sent him on his way.'

Meanwhile, Richard had managed to find a substantial portion of the honey intACT, ON MAIN LINEs in the structure of the chest. Obviously the force of the impacts had been concentrated into certain areas. Worth helped him pull the unbroken jars 'ashore'.

"Ham will be much nicer with this honey, thanks. Would you like to come over? There's plenty to go around."
"I'd love to, but I've got to go and finish my shift. They'll be especially rowdy, it's the end of Yom KipPUR. LEYburn Avenue, do you know it?"
"I wondered why you looked this wan! Leyburn Avenue must be a nightmare of a shift, what with Syd and Thomas TWICK ENHAM living there. I hear they eat roaST RAT FOR Dinner."
"It's not just them, it's old Mr. WEST. DR. AYTON says he's never going back there again."
"DR. AYTON - GREENpeace employee, isn't he?"
"Yes, he is. So when should I turn up? Seven?"
"Oak smoked ham, honey glazed, steamed vegetables, and tea (herBAL). HAM goes surprisingly well with tea."
"What sort of herbs?"
"Oh, basil leaf and mulBERRY L-"
"AND Sauce?"
"Yes, mustard, cranberry, plum, whatever takes your pick. Just remember, when you turn up, you have to give the doorbell a nice dunt. On green belt houses the doorbells tend to be a bit stiff."
"Seven, then. Into the street of doom I go."

[GuyBarry]

DS Roaden walked gloomily over to Leyburn Avenue. He knew he was going to have to check up on the Enhams again. There was a whole family of them. Thomas, the father, was relatively sane, but there was his domineering wife BECK ENHAM; HILLary, their impossible daughter; DAG ENHAM, DOCK-worker who rarely came to the family home; and of course the rat-eating SYD ENHAM. HILLary was absolutely terrifying, but fortunately she was usually out.

He pressed the buzzer and a large, stern lady answered. "BECK ENHAM, JUNCTION spotter here," she said. "What do you want?"
"Junction spotter?"
"You've heard of a trainspotter, haven't you? See that pub over there - the Earl of WATFORD? JUNCTION with Hope Street?"
"Yes."
"Well, I spotted that. I've got them all down in my notebook, you know. Want to see it?"
"Not at the moment, thanks. May I come in?"
"Why? Do you want some roaST RAT?"
"FORD INTERNATIONAL sales are up," said a voice from inside.
"Tom! Stop reading the Financial Times and come and talk to this policeman. I'm getting a headaCHE."
"AM I really needed right now?" said Tom.
"You never cease to aMAZE. HILLary'll be back soon, and all you're interested in is the share prices!"

[Iain]

"But the stock market is going crazy!", said Tom, "diamond mining is crashing - I'd have thought that would be the jEWEL LEAST likely to fall!"

[GuyBarry]

Just then a boisterous young woman burst past DS Roaden and into the house. Her clothes were rather revEALING. BROAD, WAY too heavily made up and extremely loud, she couldn't fail to make an impression on him.

"Mum!" she shouted. "You'll never guess where I've been - LOUGHBOROUGH!"
"JUNCTIONs round there interesting, Hillary?" said Beck.
"Oh, don't be such a nerd, Mum. In my heart I'm a GIPSY," HILLary proclaimed. "Next week I might be off to DENMARK."
"HILLary! Who's taking you there then?"
"This utterly gorgeous bloke I met - LEWIS. HAMmered together we got. And he absolutely adorES SEX."
ROADen was aghast. "Excuse me madam, but do you realize you're speaking to a police officer?"
"Oh," said Hillary sarcastically. "Is my skirt too SHORT? LAND Someone in trouble, you will. What are the cops doing here anyway?"
"I'm enquiring about the possible theft of a Dyson vacuum cleaner."
"Don't know nuffin' about that. There's one over there though."
"That's aN ORWOOD."
"JUNCTIONs are really brilliant, Hillary," said Beck. "You don't know what you're missing out on."
"Shut up, Mum! Where did that vacuum cleaner come from anyway?"
"I dunno, I wasn't in. Tom?"
"Some old guy brought it round," said Tom. "We'd just collected the cleaner that you ordered, and then he came in with that third-rate model and tried to swap them over. Syd sent him packing."
"But I didn't order a vacuum cleaner, Tom."
"So who did then?"
"'Ere, Lewis taught me this wicked song, Dad," yelled Hillary. "Have you heard of Ken Sington? No one matCHES SINGTON - NORTH or south of here."
"Wasn't he on Eurovision, Hillary?"
"Maybe. No one matCHES SINGTON - SOUTH or north of here!"
"What about the guy who won Eurovision last year - Pete WOOLWICH?"
"ARSE! NA-La-na-la-na is the best song ever written! Na-la-na-la-na, na-la-na-la-na, a-na-da-wa, a-na-da-wa, na-la-na-la-naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

DS Roaden couldn't take it any longer. His brain was sWELLING up.

"I'm very grateFUL. WELL, I think I'll have to finish my enquiries there. I have an appointment at SEVEN."
"SISTER!" Said Syd, who suddenly appeared. "The rat's on the table..."

[GuyBarry]

[We seem to have stalled slightly, so I'll press on with the next instalment.]

Having realized that no one in the house had actually ordered the Dyson, Tom made a phone call.

"Hello, HG Transport, can I help you?"
"Yes. This is Thomas Enham of 23 Leyburn Avenue. I'd like to return a vacuum cleaner that was delivered to us in error."
"No problem - we'll pick it up from you in SoutHAMPTON. COURTesy visit."
"But I don't live in SoutHAMPTON."
"The only Leyburn Avenue on our system is in SoutHAMPTON. WICKed piece of software it is as well."
"Sorry, but I'm in London - South KENSINGTON."
"OLYMPIA anywhere near you? We've got a delivery there tomorrow - if you take it over there we can pick it up."
"I don't want to go to Olympia! Apparently it was intended for a Mr George WEST."
"SUTTON Coldfield, is that?"
"No, he's a neighbour of mine."
"So why don't you just take it along to him?"
"I don't want to go into that. I'm worried about what might hapPEN."
"G.E. WEST?"
"That's him, yes."
"Oh, that vacuum cleaner! We would have picked it up, but the van got stuck in some honey."
"I don't care if it got stuck in strawberry jam."
"Pardon?"
"I said I don't care if it got stuck in STRAWBERRY - HILLary! Go and put some clothes on."
"Perhaps we should end this call here, sir?"
"Don't worry, it's just my daughter. She's a bit of a reBEL."
"MONTh's time is the earliest we can pick it up, sir."
"Well I suppose that'll have to do. Thanks."

He put the phone down and sipped some WATER. "LOOk, Hillary, you can't behave like this when you're at home. This isn't the place for reBELLING."
"HAMster would be nice for dinner tomorrow," said Hillary. "I'm fed up with rat."

Tom despaired. She was too old for him to HIT HER.

"GREENgrocers sell healthy fruit and vegetables, and you just want to eat rodents?"
"Well they're good enough for my CAT."
"FORD BRIDGEnd engine plant to lose 200 staff," read Tom. As so often, the newspaper was his only refuge.

[GuyBarry]

[While we're waiting for the action to unfold in London, here's an update from America.]

Several thousand miles across the Atlantic, Ava was calling her new husband for dinner.

"WALT! HAM!"
CROSSly, Walt replied, "But I was just going out to play golf."
"You were out on the SOUTH GREEN FOR Days last time."
"It's a fantastic GREEN. WICHita is blessed with several."
"Can't you stay in for once? I've got something I want to show you." She pulled out an old photograph. "Do you see those names? SUDBURY, HILL, HARROW."
"Well I recognize you on the left of course. Who are the other two?"
"In the middle is GORDON HILL, my first boyfriend when I was at college. And on the right is Margaret Harrow, who was my best friend at the time. We were heavily into student comedy."
"Comedy?"
"Yes, we had an act called SUDBURY AND HARROW. ROADtrips to venues all over England - it was loads of fun. But then Margaret ran off with Gordon."
"How did you take that?"
"With utter disguST. MARGARET'S betrayal was the last thing I expected. The thought of Margaret HARROW ON THE HILL sofa made me insanely jealous. So I left the act and eventually went to keep house for Richard instead."
"What happened to Margaret?"
"She teamed up with another friend of hers - Bridget Wealdstone. They started touring the pubs and clubs in LONDON. BRIDGEt found it hard to HACK."
"BRIDGEt doing better now, is she?"
"I'm not sure - I lost touch with them some time ago. Do you want the TV on while we have dinner?"
"Sure."

She switched on to hear the host saying:

"And now, all the way from England, the comedy double-act that's taking London by storm - HARROW AND WEALDSTONE!"

Ava's jaw nearly hit the floor.

[GuyBarry]

Carrying on single-handed at the moment! Just a reminder for anyone else who wants to contribute: the list of unused stations is here.


Back in England, Richard was of course unaware of all this as he greeted DS Roaden at the door.

"Evening, Sergeant."
"Oh, call me Worth, please. I'm off duty now."
"You must be exhausted after dealing with SID[*]. CUP of tea? Or would you prefer coffee? We've got every brand BAR NEScafé."
"Tea would be great, thanks. There's a brand I really used to love as a KID - BROOKE Bond 'D'. Can you still get it?"
"I'm sure we can conjure that up without any magic WANDS, WORTH. TOWN busy today, was it?"
"Absolutely packed. This urBAN STEADy crawl through the traffic really grinds me down sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could just take the boat along the THAMES."
"DITTO, Now that they've got the Clipper - the high-veloCITY THAMES LINK."
"Oh, the police boats are much faster than that. The Clipper's like boating on the local POND."
"ER... SEND in some tea, please, Alex," said Richard, suddenly remembering. "Have we got Brooke Bond 'D'?"
"We might have," said Alex. "Brooke Bond what? I was going to try some of this new blend I bought from Thomas WESTHAM - PS TEA."
"'D'."
"THAMES LINKs in London aren't too bad in my opinion," said Alex. "Although if you want to relax on the WATER, LOOE - A STunning little place in Cornwall - can't be beaten. I went on holiday there once with John."
"You travelled SOUTH ALL the way from Chorley?"
"Oh, we were dreAMERS. HAMmocks were all we had to sLEEp on. It's a lot busier nowadays, of course - everyone's down there for Project EDEN. PARKing's a nightmare."

Somehow, thought Richard, the conversation always gets round to parking...


[*] I know it's "Syd", but Richard's never seen it written down.

[RobbieM]

...so he thought he'd better steer it away from that subject.

"Of course personally, I like fishing when I'm in Cornwall; the sea fishing gives me a change from the fresh water variety. I always seem to catch crayfish when I go fishing in lakes. I can be catching CRAY FOR Days on end."
"As for me, in Cornwall, I like to go walking. Especially on Bodmin MOOR. GATEaux, chocolate and Kendal Mint Cake are always in my snack bag, to give me energy for the climbs."
"Oh yes, getting energy from Kenal Mint Cake is nothing NEW. CROSSing the Moor is certainly aided by this wonderful confectionery!
"Yes, I take loads of consumables with me. PLUMS, TEA, Dates, you name it!"