"Off the Rails" - a story from the Network

[GuyBarry]

Back at number seven...

"What are we going to do, Dud?"
"It's all right, he's still breathing. I'll phone for an ambulance. Meanwhile, swap those cleaners over. Hopefully he'll have forgotten all about this when he comes round. We haven't a moment to lose."

As Dudley was on the phone, DR. AYTON PARKed his car outside Mr West's house and came to the door.

"Hello? I was just popping round to see if Mr West's all right - he's had a nasty turn recently."
"Oh thank God you're here, doctor," said Tony, who'd just finished repacking the Dyson. "Mr West's collapsed."
Dr. Ayton examined him. "I think it's heatstroke. Has he been out in the SUN? DR. IDGE-PARKer at the hospital will be able to deal with that."
"We don't know him, doctor. We're from a delivery company. My colleague's calling an ambulance."
"It's OK, I'll stay with him until the ambulance arrives. Thanks for doing that - you can go on your way now."

They took the Orwood and got back in the van.

"Dud, if we lose our jobs over this, who else can we work for? ELSTREE AND BOREHAM?"
"WOODy in accounts told me they've just shed a lot of staff. What about HAYES AND HARLING, TONe?"
"I don't think they're recruiting either. What about BARNES, BRIDGEman and CROFTON? PARKy used to work there."
"Maybe, though it's a bit far SOUTH. RUISLIP and OAKLEIGH? PARKy used to work there as well."
"Or MORDEN, SOUTHwell and FINSBURY. PARKy worked there once."
"Or another one down SOUTH - BERMONDSEY and RAYNES. PARKy's never worked there to my knowledge."
"Maybe that's because it's in BATTERSEA. PARKy hates that area."
"Could be. What about PETTS, WOOD and SOUTHMER, TONe?"
"Possibly. I kNEW MALDEN and HACKNEY DOWN Shoreditch way had a couple of vacancies recently."
"And then there's that one in ST PANCRAS - INTERNATIONAL freight company. What are they called?"
"QUEENSTOWN ROAD Haulage, I think. Although I think I'd prefer working for Lord VoldeMORT."
"LAKEr and WESTCOMBE - PARKy worked there too. He's had a lot of different jobs, hasn't he?"
"I think it's because of his girlfriend - HONOR OAK. PARKy tends to go wherever she does. What about PURLEY, OAKS and CHARL..."
"TONe, I really don't want to think about this any more."
"Sorry, Dud. We've had a lot of fun in this job, though, haven't we? Remember the one with the SHEPHERDS - BUSHes all over the place?"
"Sure do, Tone. And the bloke who mended the QUEEN'S ROAD - PECKHAM."
"Hamstow, Dud. His name was Hamstow."
"If you say so. Let's put the radio on."

A voice came on. "Here is the news with Paul THORNTON. HEATH involved in serious child abuse allegations..."

"Oh hell, not the HEATH ROW. TERMINAL. FIVE police forces are involved now, I think. Switch it off again, Dud."
"All right. Let's get this last delivery out of the way and go and await our fate."

28 down - just 7 to go!

[RobbieM]

Back at the Whyte Leafe, ‘Copacabana’ was playing in the background. Alex was just having an orange juice. But Worth and Richard were getting a little tipsy.
“Listen to that curious singing!” said Alex. “What’s the name of that guy?”
“Barry Manilow” said Worth. “Quite an interesting voice, isn’t it?”
“I prefer something from my own generation” said Alex. “I’m a ‘Take That’ fan. Gary’s good, Jason’s wonderful. And as for Robbie – my favourite by far!”
“Well nothing accounts for taste!” said Richard, quickly turning towards Alex, and carelessly knocking over the orange.
“One beer too many, It seems!” said Alex, mopping up the spillage.
“Er, that wasn’t just an ordinary beer”, said Richard. “It had Sangria in!”
“Well, there’s no way I’m going to let you drive us home! We’ll have to get a taxi.”
Then a certain gentleman walked towards them. “May I drive you home?” asked Fred Monton-Green.

Once they’d managed to stagger to Fred’s car, off they went. Worth was definitely the worse for wear, and he snuggled up to Alex on the back seat.
“You know, Alex”, he said. “I never wanted to be a policeman anyway. Oh, no! I wanted to be…”
“A lumberjack?”
“No, a song-writer for musicals! Leonard Bernstein is my hero; I love ‘West Side Story’. Listen to me singing! ‘I like to be in A-me-ri-ca, okay by me in A-me-ri-ca…’”
Worth’s tunefulness was somewhat questionable…
“So,” interrupted Alex. “Can you actually write songs?”
“I can!” said Worth. “It’s easy! Just gotta make rhymes, really. For example. What rhymes with ‘MILL’? ‘HILL’! BROADWAY, here I come! Skyscrapers boom in A-me-ri-ca, Cadillacs zoom in A-me-ri-ca…”
Alex, very wisely, asked no more questions.

“I’m a bit confused where we’re going,” said Fred. “Do we turn right here?”
“No, don’t go that way!” said Richard. “That’ll take us to SUTTON!”
“COMMON mistake to make,” said Fred. “Sorry. “After all, no-one wants to go to SUT…”
“TONight, tonight, won’t be just any night!” continued Worth in less-than-tuneful tones, which would make Bernstein turn in his grave.

[GuyBarry]

Tony and Dudley arrived back at the depot, absolutely shattered.

"We're not going to get away with this, Dud. We're going to have to reBEL. VEDERE?"
"What, Tone?"
"It's Italian. It means 'see'. Do you see what I mean?"
"Not really, Tone."
"How muCH IS L.E. HURST paid, do you think?"
"Are you talking about Lee Hurst, the comedian?"
"Yeah, him. Why can't we do his job?"
"Because we're not particularly funny, Tone."
"What about all my mates? You've met EriC, RICK, LEW. OODles of them think I'm really funny."
"After a few pints of Guinness, maybe. On the stage at Square World might be a different matter."

Just then, Ken Ewing popped his head round the door.

"Dudley? Tony? Can I have a word please?"

They went in with some trepidation.

"I've just had a call from a Dr. Ayton, speaking on behalf of Mr George West, who's now in hospital recovering from heatstroke. He wants you to know that Mr West is happy with his new Dyson and to pass on his thanks."
"Really, Ken?" said Tony.
"Yes. He says Mr West was a little confused at first because he couldn't remember which model had been delivered, but that's all been cleared up now."
"So we're keeping our jobs?" said Dudley.
"Of course. You may go now."

"Unbelievable, Dud!"
"I knew it all along, Tone. Come on, let's get down the pub."
"Not so fast - here's Bob. He'll still be wanting his money. What are we going to say?" whispered Tony to Dudley.
"Don't worry, Tone. I'll handle this."

"Bob," said Dudley, "we'd like to offer you a little token of our esteem. We can't pay you in cash you understand, but would you accept a payment in kind? It's a rare item - I bought it recently from a good friend of mine."
"Of course, Dud," said Bob. "What is it?"
"We'd like to present you with one genuine Orwood vacuum cleaner. Never been used..."

[GuyBarry]

[Final scene. Thanks to The Orange One, Iain and RobbieM for all their contributions.]

Richard woke up the next morning with an appalling hangover. He had no idea what had happened the night before.

He wandered down into the kitchen. It was in a terrible mess, with remnants of ham all over the place - not like the tidy kitchen he'd been used to seeing for the last few weeks. Alex was nowhere to be seen. Had it all been a dream?

He thought about Ava, now settled over in America with Walt. She'd told him about all the hours he spent out on the golf course, seemingly unconcerned about her. "Being a domestic servant is one thing when you're paid for it, quite another when you're just taken for granted," she'd said. But there was no chance of her coming back to England now.

He'd just started cooking a portion of chips, when there was an unexpected knock at the door. Outside stood a rather striking young woman.

"Hi! My name's CRYSTAL, PAL. A CErtain young lady told me you might be looking for a housekeeper..."

[RobbieM]

Thanks to The Orange One, Iain and RobbieM for all their contributions.

And I hope everyone spotted that, in the first paragraph of my final post, I carefully 'hid' all four contributors to this thread!