The story so far...

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GuyBarry
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Re: The story so far...

Post by GuyBarry » 27 Oct 2013, 16:54

hopeful traveller wrote:
GuyBarry wrote:An editable version is now here. Feel free to make any changes but please say what you've done.
I prefer the original introduction of Wes from a storytelling point of view, sorry.
Well OK, but then we have no major character for the first two paragraphs. How are we going to start the story?
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hopeful traveller
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Re: The story so far...

Post by hopeful traveller » 27 Oct 2013, 17:04

GuyBarry wrote:
hopeful traveller wrote:
GuyBarry wrote:An editable version is now here. Feel free to make any changes but please say what you've done.
I prefer the original introduction of Wes from a storytelling point of view, sorry.
Well OK, but then we have no major character for the first two paragraphs. How are we going to start the story?
I quite liked mine. :wink:
1 FNC Completion (PB: 17:18:18 with G Bryant, A Chilcraft, I MacNaughton)
4 Zone Ones (PB: 03:00:35 with G Bryant)
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GuyBarry
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Re: The story so far...

Post by GuyBarry » 27 Oct 2013, 17:13

hopeful traveller wrote:
GuyBarry wrote: Well OK, but then we have no major character for the first two paragraphs. How are we going to start the story?
I quite liked mine. :wink:
Well, your version is essentially the same as the original version (apart from the first sentence). Mine doesn't really change things too much either, but it has Wes listening to the radio rather than a sort of disembodied radio voice starting things off. I think mine could be improved but I do think the story needs a stronger start.

Anyway, I don't want to get bogged down in discussing the first two paragraphs. What do you think of the other changes?
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Re: The story so far...

Post by hopeful traveller » 27 Oct 2013, 17:41

I much prefer the temporary threat to Ava. If Don is the cannibal, couldn't that just have been slotted in somewhere? I much preferred the idea of all the plot lines converging on Eurovision, but maybe Richard's exposition could go after the debts are paid off? It gives Don time to disappear then surprisingly reappear.

And what have you done with the appendices!?!?!?!

Have to say though, if we keep cutting it down and editing and re-editing, whereas I wanted to waffle and blow it up, this could be a modern Thomas and the Magic Railroad in the disastrous edit, which I certainly don't want to happen!
1 FNC Completion (PB: 17:18:18 with G Bryant, A Chilcraft, I MacNaughton)
4 Zone Ones (PB: 03:00:35 with G Bryant)
15 R15s (PB: 01:55:48 with T Cooling and R Jackson)
11 All Lines (PB: 00:44:03)
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GuyBarry
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Re: The story so far...

Post by GuyBarry » 27 Oct 2013, 17:52

hopeful traveller wrote:I much prefer the temporary threat to Ava. If Don is the cannibal, couldn't that just have been slotted in somewhere?
Don isn't the cannibal. The cannibal character has been removed.
I much preferred the idea of all the plot lines converging on Eurovision
They still do.
but maybe Richard's exposition could go after the debts are paid off? It gives Don time to disappear then surprisingly reappear.
That might be a possibility. I'll think about it.
And what have you done with the appendices!?!?!?!
I didn't want to interfere with those!
Have to say though, if we keep cutting it down and editing and re-editing, whereas I wanted to waffle and blow it up, this could be a modern Thomas and the Magic Railroad in the disastrous edit, which I certainly don't want to happen!
It's only a silly little puzzle story. Let's not get above ourselves!
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RobbieM
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Re: The story so far...

Post by RobbieM » 27 Oct 2013, 21:41

RobbieM still alive and following discussions when he gets time... Will re-read the story again when I get chance! Have read the first few paragraphs. Okay replacing my Mrs White with Patrick White.

I'm pretty relaxed about any changes to the whole thing, really. Though we may need to put a time limit on how long we're going to play with it before it's released into the wide world, otherwise it'll go on for ever!
After you, madam - I'll wait for the next direct train to Mill Hill East.
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tractakid
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Re: The story so far...

Post by tractakid » 27 Oct 2013, 21:56

I predict that you'll become millionaires with this.
*insert boasting about notable tube accomplishments here*

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Re: The story so far...

Post by GuyBarry » 28 Oct 2013, 06:53

tractakid wrote:I predict that you'll become millionaires with this.
It'd be a nightmare dividing up the royalties!

I can't see any realistic way of making money out of it, unless a publisher of puzzle books was interested.
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Re: The story so far...

Post by RobbieM » 28 Oct 2013, 18:48

Other ideas:
  • If we're listening to Radio Kent, perhaps we could use "Herne Bay" rather than "Bombay"?

    I know I came up with 'Gerry McCann', but I think we should change his first name. I just picked the first name that came to mind, and didn't know where it had come from, but of course, this is a real gentleman who's been in the news over recent years. I think I'll go for 'George' instead.

    Is the "HS2" line really necessary? Don't mind it being there, just seems a bit random now.

    Just a thought - if "Ed G. Ware" is too obvious, we could call him "Ted G. Ware" instead. For discussion.
I like it! (And I had to do a search to find 'Morden'! :D )
After you, madam - I'll wait for the next direct train to Mill Hill East.
(I really ought to change this; no-one understands it out of context.)
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GuyBarry
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Re: The story so far...

Post by GuyBarry » 29 Oct 2013, 07:07

RobbieM wrote:Other ideas:

If we're listening to Radio Kent, perhaps we could use "Herne Bay" rather than "Bombay"?
Of course!
I know I came up with 'Gerry McCann', but I think we should change his first name. I just picked the first name that came to mind, and didn't know where it had come from, but of course, this is a real gentleman who's been in the news over recent years. I think I'll go for 'George' instead.
Yes, I think that might be wise.
Is the "HS2" line really necessary? Don't mind it being there, just seems a bit random now.
I'll leave it to hopeful traveller to explain that one! I can leave it in or take it out.
Just a thought - if "Ed G. Ware" is too obvious, we could call him "Ted G. Ware" instead. For discussion.
I think that one's going to be pretty obvious whatever we do! He can be Ed, Ted, Ned or Fred as far as I'm concerned, but I wanted an American-sounding name so that the middle initial didn't sound too forced.
I like it! (And I had to do a search to find 'Morden'! :D )
Thanks. I was particularly pleased with the "Morden" reference as it's in no way forced - it occurs within a set phrase that often occurs in everyday English. It was a bit of a shame to lose "dim or dense" but I reckon that's going to be the hardest one to find now.

Regarding HT's comments about the narrative structure, I'm quite happy to swap round chapters two and three - they're separate narratives now, so it makes no difference beyond very minor rewrites to the first sentences of chapters three and four. My thinking was that it would be good to introduce Richard, Ava and John relatively early in the story, rather than having them pop up halfway through. The rewrite at the start of chapter four means that we've now got an explanation of why Don ends up in prison, so there's no need for the long interlude that we had previously.
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Re: The story so far...

Post by RobbieM » 04 Nov 2013, 22:11

Okay, so when will we release this puzzle to all? I guess we ought to put an 'answers' page somewhere on the web, which can be linked to in the introduction/credits. (Perhaps the appendices could live there too?)
After you, madam - I'll wait for the next direct train to Mill Hill East.
(I really ought to change this; no-one understands it out of context.)
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GuyBarry
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Re: The story so far...

Post by GuyBarry » 05 Nov 2013, 06:55

It's ready to go right now, as far as I'm concerned. Where were you planning to advertise it?
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Re: The story so far...

Post by RobbieM » 05 Nov 2013, 20:20

GuyBarry wrote:Where were you planning to advertise it?
Not sure - I thought I might pass it to a couple of friends first who like those kinds of puzzles and see how they get on. Perhaps other rail forums might be inetersted? Or if TFL staff have a Quizzes section of their website, they may like it?

I just wanted to be sure we were happy with it before 'cementing' it, then any of us can pass it to whomever may be interested.
After you, madam - I'll wait for the next direct train to Mill Hill East.
(I really ought to change this; no-one understands it out of context.)
Personal record: 270 Stations in 9 minutes and 3 seconds

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