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"I'd rather be on The X Factor."
"No, no, no, be on the CHANCE RYLANE!"
"What's that?"
"A new show on ITV."
"Why have they spelt 'relay' like that?"
"I don't know."

Then Ava interrupted, "It's not a mis-spelling of 'Relay', folks; 'Rylane' is a village in Ireland; about 15 miles west-northwest of Cork". That's where the competition takes place every year. Last year, Ronan Keating sANG ELegantly, but still didn't win."

"I'm not interested."
"You'll be famouS! EVEN SISTER Serena in the RODING VALLEY will know you. Not to mention everyone from ROBBIE MansLOUGH TO NeD EBDEN and even that other GUY, BARRY.

John suddenly turned to her and said, "If you don't mind my asking, I notice you've got a package from McCann's the butcher's. Who bought that HAM?"
"ME!"
"R. SMITH in the High Street is much better. You should try them one day."

"Stop changing the subject, Mr. Collier; I really think you should go on the programme. I've heard they're taking this 'battle of the talents' show to Scotland next year!"
"Ah, that'll be easier for me to get to than Ireland. It sounds like the competition will be fierce. Where are they going to?"
"It's not just a competition, John, it's WAR! WICK! A VENUE has been found in the northerly Scottish town of Wick."

"That's a long way NORTH, WICK. PARKhead in Glasgow is the furthest north I've ever been."

"Do you think you can travel in a HACKNEY? WICK may still allow them. Then again, I don't like travelling overground."

"I think I'd rather drive up there myself. How muCH IS WICK PARKing these days?"

"The price is too HIGH, BAR NEThercliffe Hotel accomodation costs a lot too. Try the HIGH STREET. KEN SINGTON may be able to find you somewheRE. GENTS PARK wherever he tells them to."

• I hope you're all enjoying this; the revival of this topic has gone better than I expected!

"So there's nO VALue in trying to park down by the harbour?"

"No, the overflow goes on to the NORTH FIELDS or the SOUTH FIELDS. You can't be left-field, though, sir, and use the left fields."

"Would I have to enter by the SOUTH GATE?"

"Yes, and bear in mind it's a HIGH GATE. It's the best gate of the lot. Best to park on the right, by the kNOTTING HILL. GATEs are open 24/7, though I would stay away from the CasterbALD GATE. EAST of it live the old Scottish cLAN CASTER. GATE is guarded very fiercely, even on the darK NIGHTS. BRIDGE is quite popular there, so if you feel the need to play, it might be worth braving their anger."

[Can I congratulate The Orange One on spotting that there's a Nethercliffe Hotel in Wick? I'm not so sure about a "Casterbald Gate", though ]

"Anyway," said Richard, "let's not worry too much about parking arrangements at the moment. I think we should invite John to stay for supper. In fact, I think his clever Woody Allen impersonation deserves a CLAP! HAM - COMMON or garden stuff from McCann's I'm afraid - is on the menu tonight I think."
"Yes," said Ava, "and there's some rhuBARB I CAN stew for later on."

• GuyBarry wrote:[Can I congratulate The Orange One on spotting that there's a Nethercliffe Hotel in Wick? I'm not so sure about a "Casterbald Gate", though ]
  

  
  Yes, I was impressed! I agree with 'Casterbald Gate' being questionable, but I'm about to make it valid...

"Oh, Ava", said Richard. "Just a quick point of correction: there isn't a 'CasterbALD GATE' in Wick. I thought I should clarify that."