A Story from The Tube ...

[GuyBarry]

[Oh, it's that Ken, is it? The plot's really starting to thicken now.]

"All right, " said Don, "I won't go SOUTH, KEN. SING TONight at the competition and I'll give you my undying support."
"But I'm not competing - I'm just in charge of the car PARK. ROYALty will be attending this event you know."
"My spirits have sunk to their loWEST, KEN. SING TONight for me please. Just find a way."

[hopeful traveller]

The BBC then knocked on the door, as the singing competition turned out to be [yes, you guessed it] the Eurovision Song Contest 2015. They asked Ken to represent the defending champions, the United Kingdom, after Tom Jones had suddenly died. John Collier was representing Ireland - and, amazingly, WES TACTON, ROY ALOAK, COLIN DALE, and STAN MORE, with a balLAD, "BROKE GROVElling", were representing Azerbaijan as Glorious Hags. The competition, in Manchester, hosted by Graham Norton and Tess Daly, started. In the first semi-final, where John COLLIER'S "WOODy Lane" for Ireland was performed fifth...

[GuyBarry]

The competition, in Manchester, hosted by Graham Norton and Tess Daly, started.

[So what were they doing in Wick then?]

"I went all the way to Wick," said John, "and then suddenly I had to catch the train back to Manchester PICCADILLY. CIRCUS perfomers couldn't have been more incompetent."

[hopeful traveller]

The circus performers were representing Armenia and were HOPEFUL. TRAVELLERs from Sweden, however, looked to win the contest. The results of the first semi final were that, after a good performance from John, Ireland were through - as were Armenia, Georgia, Sweden, Albania, Belarus, Turkey, Estonia, Cyprus, and Greece. The Russian delegation were furious:
"We had to schlEPP INGloriously over here and didn't make it through. We are furious. We need HS2 now."

On Thursday, Azerbaijan would perform. Could they join John in the final on Saturday?

[GuyBarry]

Ken tried to sing along with the orchestra in rehearsals, but there were problems.
"What key do you want to sing in, Ken? Is this one any GOOD? G?"
"E."
STREETwise musicians tried to keep up with him, but it proved a very hard task.

[RobbieM]

This got Ken a little frustrated. He needed to relax, so he closed his eyes, and thought of recent events. Then a startling revelation came to him: "Don - the guRU - ISLIP - MAN OR woman?"

Suddenly he realised why Don might have these feelings for him. But back to the rehearsal...

[GuyBarry]

They were trying to reheARSE "NA-La-na-la-na", the UK's ambitious entry for that year's contest. (After years of Eurovision failure the BBC had come to realize that their best hope lay in a song consisting of meaningless gibberish.) The trumpet player, enthusiastically TOOTING, BECkoned to Ken.

[RobbieM]

(Ken didn't know the real identity of the one who was TOOTING: "BROAD WAYne", the taxi driver from ealier on...)

[GuyBarry]

Meanwhile, over in the auditorium, the event organizer was showing the international panel of judges to their seats. It was all very high-tech - the seats had electronic voting terminals built into them, an innovation that had been introduced for the qualifying HEAT.

" 'H' ROW, TERMINALS 1, 2, 3 are for the Latvian, Portuguese and Croatian judges," said the organizer.
"I'm a bit concerned about vote-rigging," said the Dutch judge. "Is the voting system secure?"
"Absolutely - there's no way that anyone can cHEAT. 'H' ROW, TERMINAL 4 is for the Maltese judge."
"And the British judge? What position is HE AT?"
" 'H' ROW, TERMINAL 5."

[Yes, I know they actually have juries rather than judges, but I didn't know the competition was going to be turned into the flippin' Eurovision Song Contest when I dreamed this up!]

[RobbieM]

• That was very clever, well done!

Before the competition started in earnest, the audience was treated to a performance by the Denver-based alternative rock band, VAUX. HALLowe'en costumes weren't their normal outfit, but at the Eurovision Song Contest, let's face it, anything goes...

[GuyBarry]

Meanwhile, back in London, Richard Bromley was avidly watching the contest on television as Ava cooked the dinner. She walked in and he absent-mindedly addressed her as the audience started to CLAP.
"HAM?"
"SOUTHern fried chicken, actually. You finished all the ham yesterday, remember?"
He was so absorbed in the contest he couldn't remember a thing. She could have served up pieces of BURNT OAK and he wouldn't have noticed.

[The Orange One]

Back in Manchester, the Germans had more on their mind than nerves. Disease was rampant!

"I'M ILL..."
"HIL, LEAST of our problems now. Alan RICKMAN'S WORTHless fanbase is trying to get rid of us!"

[GuyBarry]

The Germans, of course, had never quite lived down the slightly disturbing 1998 performance of Guildo HORN. CHURCHill would have declared World War II all over again if he'd heard it.

It was finally time for the Azerbaijani entry, performed by none other than our old friends WES TACTON, COLIN DALE, STAN MORE and ROY ALOAK. But as they prepared to go on stage, they were unexpectedly ushered off. "Sorry, the stage is out of BOUNDS - GREEN room is where you're staying."
"Who do you think you are?"
"Don't you remember? I am Inspector WARREN STREET of New Scotland Yard, and you're all under arrest."

[RobbieM]

The arrest of the 'Azerbaijani' band left an unfortunate gap in the performance which needed filling. So at short notice, Heinrich Vall, the German band leader, suggested they could sing another song: “Erhöhen Die Mächtige Stange“ (which roughly translated, is, “Raise the mighty ROD”), IN G. VALL EYed up the criminals as they were led away...

[GuyBarry]

But at last it was time for the British entry. Owing to an unfortunate error at the printers, all the publicity referred to our great hope as "KEN NINGTON", so that's how they had to introduce him. Watching at home, Richard was aghast.
"Hey, that looks just like that bloke Ken Sington who we know. Why are they letting him sing? He's got a voice like an ELEPHANT. AND CASTLE Donington is supposed to be hiring him to sort out the car parking this week."